


anxious

by jjongnite



Category: SHINee
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Mental Illness, Pain, mentions of the members, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-11
Updated: 2018-07-11
Packaged: 2020-05-02 05:08:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19192417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jjongnite/pseuds/jjongnite
Summary: kibum’s had a really long day.





	anxious

**Author's Note:**

> another heavy little piece of work. this goes very in detail as to what kibum’s experiencing with his anxiety. i used myself as a basis for this, but please be careful if this can be triggering. take care of yourself.

9:10. 

It’s not as late as Kibum expected to get back, but he isn’t complaining either. There were a lot of things he wasn’t expecting. He needed to get back to his own space as soon as possible, get back to his breathing space. Opening the door, he sees the two constant comforts and sources of energy bouncing and wagging their tails excitedly. If Kibum was in a better headspace and didn’t feel like he did, he’d bend down and pet them. Instead, he only smiles tiredly at them, his posture slightly curled in on himself to protect his stomach. His hand runs over the dogs’ head gently before he continues, his face distorting into a cringe. 

His hand reaches the couch first, and Kibum slowly lowers himself down from there. His other hand grabs at the skin suffocating his stomach, and all he wishes to do in that moment is rip it all off, anything to stop the throbbing pain beneath its surface. His breathing is short and sharp, the air sliding chillingly only through the gritting and grinding teeth. His nails dig into his stomach and his eyes blink furiously in an attempt to push the black vines from taking over his vision. 

Grabbing his phone quickly from it’s spot next to him, Kibum unlocks it. It took him three tries, but he’s desperate for something to take his mind off of all the stress around him. The noise, the talking, the orders, the demands. Oh, all the demands! It’s never enough for everybody. If it isn’t the fans, it’s the company, or the members, or his friends, or his family. Kibum never wants to let anyone down but he can’t keep everyone afloat. Looking at his phone, he clicks on messages, thinking about sending a cry for help but decides against it. He goes to Instagram, his hands starting to shake slightly as he bounces his leg unconsciously. The constant stream of new comments should have given Kibum a good distraction, but he couldn’t focus on any single one of them.He scrolls for a while, but before he realizes it, Kibum is clicking away because nothing is enough to keep his mind occupied. Nothing is tricking his mind long enough to trick his body. 

Kibum throws his phone down, shifting on the couch so his legs are on the cushions as well, his face and body contorting in pain as his mind races a million thoughts per second. There’s so much to do, he can’t be sitting here. He’s letting everyone down. They’re all sick of his pain. The dogs sit at his feet, their heads cocked as Garcons carefully steps with concern showing through his button eyes. Kibum gives the two of them a look through his furrowed brows in an effort to tell them he’ll be okay, and that this is normal and he just needs them to stay as his hands begin searching for the heating pad he keeps somewhere he can no longer call to mind. Kibum’s hands are sweaty and cold at the same time, and his feet are freezing through his shoes.  
By the time Kibum calms down, it’s 11. He’s taken off countless layers of clothes while putting on others, so the room looks like a mess. The two hours flew by fast, but to Kibum they felt like they never stopped. His stomach has stopped aching, his hands have lost most of their clammy-ness, but his mind still runs through his exhaustion. He’s sprawled against the couch, fully limp, with no energy to move, much less stop his mind. He wants to stay, not trigger any more physical reactions. KIbum sighs, shifts slightly, and reaches a hand down to stroke his dogs. He loves them, Kibum confirms for the third night in a row, always there for him no matter what. 

He knows he’ll go through it again tomorrow, but that’s okay. It’ll all be okay. He’s Key, everything always has to be okay. He shifts on the couch as the light fades, saying goodnight to the demands, just for tonight. Just for a couple of hours. He’ll wake up exhausted, but he’ll work harder than the day before. Kibum will go on like this for a few months, everyone passing it off as “hard work” but it’ll break him eventually. Over time, his workload puts cracks in his fragile glass body, and Kibum’s too busy to realize it. When he shatters, that’s when people notice. But he doesn’t stop, Kibum just lazily glues himself back together and gets back to work.


End file.
